I imagine this will piss a lot of people off. I really don’t care at this point. This was all brought up again because a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses came again to my door, this time about Easter. I humor them and have for a while now. I don’t know how to tell them that I don’t believe what they are saying. I haven’t for a while now. I was never even a strong believer when I was little, I just didn’t think it through.
Then two things changed in my life. A dear friend lost her dad and turned to religion. And I found out I was bipolar/mentally ill. I don’t blame my friend for turning to religion; it happens a lot when people need something bigger to help them grieve. I also couldn’t help that I was mentally ill and started to doubt that any god could be so cruel to people.
When I was first changing, during puberty, I had to fight a war in my head every day. I felt everything, like a rare nerve that was constantly being bombarded. Sometimes I would cry for no reason. Hospitals were a nightmare. The best way to explain it was I was as close to psychic as it gets. I felt everyone’s pain and held it in. It is why I couldn’t even visit my grandma before she died.
Most days I can keep this rare nerve covered, protected. I have periods of feeling emotional and fragile, when I tend to stay home and watch movies that make me cry. Now is one of those periods and the visit from the Witnesses just clicked something in my head today. I don’t believe what they believe. I believe science: the Big Bang, evolution, and so on. Taking geology expanded my concept of time. The Christian/creationist story just doesn’t make sense. If Jesus was a real person, he was merely an enlightened man, not a god. I know these Christian stories and I know that most of them couldn’t be possible. I have no leap of faith to give their movement. Evangelicals freak me the hell out. Being that devote is creepy to me.
I have friends that believe and some that don’t, all to varying degrees. I have a friend who married a man who is getting his Masters of Divinity. Meanwhile, other friends and I have talked about this topic and end up fighting. Frankly, it is not a good topic to discuss with friends at times.
I want to say I believed until I was twelve. That’s when everything changed. I was away from home, 6 hours away, and I’d never felt more homesick in my life. I wanted my parents. I was at a church camp. One of the youth counselors told me that Jesus would help me with this pain, with the fact that I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to say, “Fuck you and Jesus. I want my parents!” That was the moment. Faith and belief stopped being a comfort right then.
I try not to tell people their personal beliefs make no sense. I know someone who thinks she prayed her bipolar away. I believe she never had bipolar in the first place; she diagnosed herself. I watched a doc on HBO called, Questioning Darwin, and some people, mostly Americans, think that Darwin just made up his theory. Clearly they have not read it or even understood what he was getting at. Darwin and his wife were Christian; he never questioned the existence of god in his book. He didn’t kill god, he just pointed out reality and logic. To me, Evangelicals are opponents of logic and reason and you can argue with them until your face is blue and they will not move an inch.
I’m done apologizing for my thoughts. So here they are and here they will continue.